First of all, now I feel like I am infiltrating YOUR journal, since you already have regular readers. It feels funny, but not in a bad way. I am glad to be writing to you. I haven’t known what to say. And it’s not because I have nothing to say; there is just too much. Good, funny, scary, pathetic, etc. First of all, I need to tell you that JR and I had quite a comical converstion about the “troll” thing this morning. Since you are well aware of my extreme lack of connection to technology, pop cultural, and computer lingo, I am sure you can imagine how it went: “Christina has a troll bothering her. She said it was a troll! They are attacking her blog. I think it is an unnatractive person of small stature; maybe even someone we know.” Talk about the “troll” and how I thought it was funny that you used that word went on for a quite a while, until JR finally gained morning conciousness and decided to tune into his wife’s constant blabber. It was pretty funny. Yes, now I know what that word means. He explained it to me with a huge smirk on his face. Good to laugh in the morning.
I had one of those “sigh” looks on my face while reading your comments about the hiding of a mentally ill person in your extended family. I had the same look on my face while reading about your in-laws facial reactions to your very real accounts of your immediate family’s day-to-day life. I know we have talked about this before, in different ways, but it is all about walking around in your own little closet and whether or not you are able to “pass,” and whether you even want to “pass,” for “normal,” I mean. The fact that your in laws may not have even know fully about E-Niner’s struggles is of course NOT funny, but it almost made me smirk for the following reason.
My mother-in-law is a kind, wonderful woman (I am lucky) and we talk at least once a week. If we haven’t talked for over ten days or so, she will call just to “check in.” Anyway, almost everytime we talk, I will say something like “Did JR tell you that Afina got her test results back?” She will say “Oh yes, he told me that yesterday.” “Ok, so you know that her Eosinophilic Esophagitis has not healed and they are going to do biopsies every six weeks for a while now? And oh, by the way, they removed three more foods from her diet to bring the number to a whopping 14 foods removed.” Her response “no, no, and no.” But we have been going through this for a while, JR hiding his own mental health issues from them, and me illuminating them. Not to defend Joe, but maybe this is just how men are! Or maybe, it is just partly that. The other part may be that our husbands just don’t see the picture clearly, or they don’t want other to see it. JR sees it, I know, he is just hiding it. I think Joe is hiding it from both himself and others-am I right?
The truth is though, the one thing I do hide a little more, from my in-laws and from my own family, are Afina’s struggles with OCD, anxiety, hearing voices, fits of rage, and depression. You helped me with that realization, about yourself. And actually, I don’t even dare talk about her Celiac Disease, EE., and food inolerances to my own family. Keep it all light and funny, right? I will talk about THAT to my in laws, but not my own family. That reminds me of what you were saying; you will talk about these things to your close friends, and even blog about it on the internet, but when it comes to family, it is all done a bit more subtly.
And honestly, JR’s parents didn’t even believe me about HIS issues for quite a while. Until, his mother finally admitted that there had been TWO members of her family who had lived most of their lives in mental institutions, became old women, and died there. The thing is, Christina, these little tidbits of information are nice to know when you are planning your family. All these secrets cover up genetics. Nice to know who you may be birthing.
I want to tell you two more mundane things (well, one of them is not so “mundane”) and then I will sign off. My dear, dear friend Lorraine (we were roomates through college. She is creative, wonderful, gentle, thoughtful, and brilliant, AND, she is one of the few people, other than you, who is as weird as me, and who I don’t have to explain everything I mean, as I am saying it) just returned from Brazil. She went there to see “Joa de Dios,” a healer from whom the “entities” speak through. Her breast cancer came back, and this time it was stage two mestastic. I can’t even spell that word, it is so awful. I don’t want to spell it. My mother has taught me that talking about these things charges them with energy (partly a Mexican thing.) Thus, part of the reason WE don’t talk about EE or anxiety disorders-lol! Anyway, Lorraine just came back and sent me a package two days after she retuned to the states. Yes, she is fighting the fight of her life and she sends ME and my children a package. She is doing well, her words are always beautiful; about the trip, the people there, the beautiful land, her healing process, and current deliberate seclusion back in New Mexico in order to continue the entities work to heal her. In the package, she sent a wonderful letter, a moblie of moons and stars made from agate, wooden beaded bracelets for each of the girls, and little bottles of passion flower capsules “Prescribed by the entitties” for each of my daughters. She carried photos of them all the way to Brazil and placed them in the “triangle” at Joa de dios’ healing center. (Yes, she was thinking of us, while she was there going through this.) She said the entities will be able to speak to the girls through the herbs and do their healing work. Afina got two bottles, Luvena got one. Probably because this process may take longer for Afi. We were so touched by Lorraine’s time, her words, and her care. So, this morning I opened a capsule directly onto each of toungues. I told them to pray while they were taking the herbs and I prayed for each of them as well. Afterwards, Afi said “Mami, I prayed for Lorraine and Luvee, too.” That’s what I am talking about! My wonderful, caring girls, already being touched by the huge kind act of my college friend and the “entities.” They love Lorraine, I know, and are concerned about her. But still, that one statement made my whole morning.
The other thing is this school thing. I will just post my letter to them here, later. It is just too much to re-explain and I haven’t even finished the letter yet. I do have to say though, and I know YOU know this Christina, that I really resent when people who are not doing their job correctly, make more work for me by being negligent. It is exhausting. But I am going to keep on with the positive momentum of this morning, and finish the letter. I just wrote my first real blog and I am very proud of that fact, am currently on the phone with a good friend, had a wonderful morning with my sweet children without any major outbursts, and heard from two of my dear friends, you and Lorraine. So, I am going with this good energy! Here I go! watch me! 🙂